разноцветные витаминки, когда всё как бы хорошо, и разноцветные таблетки, когда заканчиваются силы и появляются self-destructive thoughts

какжевсёэтобезнадежнобезумнобольнослышишьчертовскибольно

как будто моё сердце – луковица и её слой за слоем «раздевают», а я стою беспомощно и жду, пока откроется кровоточащая беззащитная сердцевина, на которой выцарапано твоё имя. тупым лезвием..

неужели мы любили друг друга так сильно, так слишком сильно и отчаянно, что любовь – незаметно для нас – превратилась в ненависть. чистейшую искрящуюся ненависть.

the innermost is i wanted you to hurt me so as to make me feel alive and relish every single moment, every single breath which I wasn't able to before you came. ruled you step by step to carry this out. because i wanted my bloody coward heart open.. as well as i later on dreamt of your name scratched on it as some twisted symbol of our deviant love, and craved for the acerbic yet sweet pain it’s given me. this neverending fight between your natural tenderness and the deep-rooted ferocity i've relealed in you and then reared. just couldn't stop longing for this ferocity, then dying from lack of tenderness after that mess between us had unleashed.
so awfully weird.

constant self-destruction which comes from pure self-regard combined with self-loathing. it were you to build our little refuge and me to make you break the very thing you’d built so zealously.
i well deserve what i am in for now, but still i love you, no matter how sophisticated my feelings are, no matter how painful..and in any event it does not matter how much of that torture is yet to come, these morbid feelings won’t go away.

here i am again desperately trying to sort it out, lost in endless theories and contradictory desires, in between knowing what there will be in the very-very end and being still eager to change it somehow. to mend both your and my hearts. hoping to start it anew.
so fuckin' naïve.